It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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