allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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