I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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