Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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