so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.