I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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