i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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