all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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