is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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