u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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