your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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