I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
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When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?