my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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