proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
