well I can't set my house on fire every night
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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