The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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