if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
