You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
