Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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