so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
