fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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