I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
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Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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