I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
