What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
