when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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