white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
