I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
