Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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