apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
