Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
