my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
