Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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