i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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