She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
