ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
