One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
