I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
