what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
