this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
