I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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