you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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