Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
