You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
