I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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