You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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