I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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