awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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