Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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