I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
