You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
