I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
