In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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