Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.