Cold hands, warm shart.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think I sprained my soul last night
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...