I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
