So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
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As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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