We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
